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Thread: husband and wife

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Dundee Mi

    Default husband and wife


    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
    asked, 'What's on TV?'

    I said, 'Dust.'

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

    * My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3

    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
    expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
    Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
    verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
    home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
    and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
    curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
    for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
    Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
    disability, too.'

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
    staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
    drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
    been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
    that long?'

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

    Nah, she can order for herself."

    And then the fight started...

    ------------ --------- --------- ---

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.* She is not
    with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look
    fat and ugly.* I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

    And then the fight started.....

    ------------ --------- --------- ------

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

    Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold

    And then the fight started....

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

    My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her
    as much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started.....

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

    Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

    The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
    crap. That must be my husband!'

    So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
    He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his
    car as
    fast as he could go.

    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
    the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

    And then the fight started.....

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
    the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

    I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
    torrential downpour.

    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
    the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into

    I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
    whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
    out fishing in that?'

    And then the fight started ...

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
    "Somewhere I
    haven't been in a long time!" she said.

    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

    And that's when the fight started....

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
    bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

    "No," she answered.

    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started....

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2008

    Default Re: husband and wife

    and you guys* wonder why i am single ;D

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2008

    Default Re: husband and wife

    you guys are so silly
    Bettyboop 79 gl1000

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