View Full Version : Rules for Driving in Detroit

Ultra AL
08-20-2013, 02:54 PM
Driving in Detroit
Part 1

1. First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It's Di-troit. NOT DEE-troit. If you pronounce it DEE-Troit then we will assume you are from Toledo and are here for the country Music hoedown.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Detroit has its own version of traffic rules... Hold on and pray!

3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00a.m. to 10:00a.m. The evening rush hour is from 3:00pm to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. Weekends are open game.

4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. If you're first off the starting line when the light turns green count to five before going. This will avoid getting in the way of cross-traffic who just ran their yellow light to keep from getting shot.

5. A native of the Detroit metro area can, ONLY properly pronounce Schoenherr. (Itís pronounce SHANER) That goes for Gratiot too.

6. Construction and renovation on I-94, I-96, I-75, I-275, I-375, the Lodge and the Southfield Freeways are a way of life. Just deal with it.

7. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it Is probably a factory defect or they are "out-of-towners."

8. All old men with white hair wearing a hat have total right-of-way.

9. The minimum acceptable speed on I-696 is 85 regardless of the posted speeds. Anything less is considered downright SISSY. Oh, and don't even think of allowing more than one car length between cars!

10. That attractive wrought iron on the windows and doors in Detroit is NOT ornamental. "DO NOT get out of your car"

11. Never stare at the driver of the car with the Bumper sticker that says "Keep honking, I'm reloading."

12. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving 'because they are so friendly in Detroit. I would suggest you duck.

13. I-275/I-696 is our daily version of NASCAR.

14. It's not M-10, it's "the Lodge."

15. That's not a lake, it's a pothole.

16. If someone tells you it's on Outer Drive, you better hope you have a map.

17. The left turn is simple. If you want to turn left, go a 1/4 of a mile past your turn, get to the left, then make a left, then make a right. NOW you have gone left.

Part 2

1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

2. Turn signals are clues as to your next move. A real Detroit driver never uses them.

3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow".

5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of being hit.

6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive body work. Michigan is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

8. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.

9. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are there to make Detroit look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the Troy police car parked in the median.

10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

12. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Detroit driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

13. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush hour traffic in Detroit.

14. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

15. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the existing litter from getting lonely, and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

16. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours (especially pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge, or Chevy logo).

17. Learn to swerve abruptly. Detroit is the home of high speed slalom driving thanks to MDOT, which places potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

18. It is traditional in Detroit to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

19. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

20. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

21. Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reason to change any of the previous listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junk yards, and new vehicle sales. After all, this is the "Motor" City and we do have our priorities.

22. Remember that the goal of every Detroit driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

23. Real Detroit women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Real Detroit men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

24. Deceleration ramps, acceleration ramps. They're the same thing during traffic jams on the freeway.

25. Detroit is the only city where pedestrians and bike riders are able to walk/ride in the left-hand turn lane (or just any lane they want).

26. Detroit is also the only place where the cops are more intoxicated than the drivers.

27. There's always a detour to the detour.

28. Driving on opium...loads of fun.

29. I-696 is the only road in the state that has a speed limit, and it's kind enough to tell you what it is in its name.

30. It's a well-known fact that if you're doing less than 65 on Woodward Avenue, you're going too slow and are likely to be pulled over for "impeding the flow of traffic". Similarly, driving slower than 105 on I-696 is a misdemeanor offense.

31. Eating, drinking, and driving are perfectly safe. Doing it all while driving a stick - even better.

32. Detroit area cops are now starting to drive (Dodge) Chargers. They may be faster than your little car, but they also run out of gas a lot quicker. If they can afford it

33. When those red and blue lights come on, they're not telling you to pull over, it simply means they'll race you to the border.

34. A good driver watches for his light to turn green, then punches the gas. A Detroit driver watches for the light going the other directions to turn yellow and punches the gas, allowing his tires to gain traction and leave rubber on the road as soon as his light turns green.

08-20-2013, 04:08 PM
25. Detroit is the only city where pedestrians and bike riders are able to walk/ride in the left-hand turn lane (or just any lane they want).

We call this "Urban Deer".

Gas Man
08-20-2013, 05:44 PM
Awesome and perfect!!!

08-21-2013, 12:42 PM
And I was just remarking to a friend yesterday that "They call it the '96 because "demolition derby" would be too blatant.."

Bagger Dave
08-21-2013, 12:54 PM
:lmao: Its pronounced .......De-Toilet!!! :lmao:

08-21-2013, 03:59 PM
I love the city!!!

08-21-2013, 04:51 PM

10. That attractive wrought iron on the windows and doors in Detroit is NOT ornamental. "DO NOT get out of your car"