View Full Version : Motorcycles, Life and Fast Talkers by Capt. Crash

01-19-2009, 09:46 PM
Motorcycles, Life & Fast Talkers by Capt Crash

Ever find yourself in the break room at work, fridge door open, trying to decide whose lunch to steal and start listening to the conversations around you? You’ll hear weird stuff. People talk about everything from how to cure foot odor to how to fool your insurance agent (What? Did I leave the RR off that CBR1000 application? Oopsie!)

One thing I hate is listening to that guy who’s reeeeeeeally good at something. He’ll be telling his “I’m a righteous golfer” story—the one where he outdrives John Daly or chips on better than Tiger Woods and you’ll be listening, thinking “I should call BS on that one” and before you can he’s running his mouth about how in High School he was ‘a contender’ but was knocked down by Mono the week of the qualifier…got it from the girl who was almost Miss Teen California by the way, she was totally into him, like crazy stalker girl into him…blah Blah BLAH.

Hate that guy. I always want to hand them a club and say: “PUT UP OR SHUT UP”. Guys like that spend a lot of time trying to convince us of how good they are. Ever wonder why that is? I have a theory: they’re trying to convince themselves. Deep down they understand that they’re just a decent weekend hack and it bothers them. They want to be more so they start convincing themselves that they are. Suddenly that mediocre high school golf career becomes the glory that almost was. Remember that time on the back nine at the public course when you hit that long putt? For these kinds of guys that putt, instead of being a one off, becomes a mental daily occurrence. They relive it soooo much that it becomes common in their heads and presto, every hole was that way.

Deep down something nags at them—oh wait—the TRUTH nags at them and they suppress it by telling their story over and over, embellishing it, polishing it, creating mirrors and shadows that create an army of hot golfing goodness. To borrow a 7th grade cliché: they become legends in their own minds.

We got those guys in Motorcycling too. Down at the shop they’ll tell you how fast they are. How they rip it up on their bike—“sometimes I can only stretch that GP A tire 4000 miles before it’s toast”, “I was down at Palomar and slapped a wicked pass on this slow Yamaha, turns out it was Jamie Hacking out with Jay Leno”, “I was gonna club race but those guys are so slow it’s dangerous…”

You know that guy. There’s one at the bar, or the shop, or at the turn out. You’ve met him AND, if you’re a knucklehead, you’ve gone riding with him. How’d that turn out by the way? Ambulance? Tow Truck? Stupid story about how the bike’s not working right?

The problem with asking someone to “put up” is that in lots of situations it’s amusing to watch. In others it’s just plain dangerous. Take our fast talkin’ golfer for example. You’re headfirst in the fridge; you find a good looking pastrami sandwich so you’re feeling your oats, so you pull your head out and say something like: “Dude, we should hit the links sometime. What are you doing Saturday?” IF, and that’s a big IF, if the guy is smart he’ll make some excuse. IF he isn’t he’ll take you up on your offer. Then on the course you’ll be treated to hours of good fun with excuses like:

“These aren’t my clubs, mine are in getting resurfaced…” or “usually I play with a balata but my girl gave me these crappy balls for Christmas…” or “I pulled a groin the other day, just ain’t all here…” hack, slice, splash. You hear a lot of new and exciting excuses which is fine and fun because very, very rarely are people killed on the golf course because of another golfer’s ineptitude. (I would say NEVER but there’s got to be an exception to every rule…)

Motorcycles on the other hand are an entirely different issue. When you invite a fast talker on a ride you’re entering a space where 500 pound motorcycles are moving at 75 to 150 feet PER SECOND and if one guy screws up he can take everyone with him.

I mean honestly—where’s the danger in golfing? Standing inside the arc of someone else’s swing? “Well, you see, I was trying to see what kind of ball he was playin’ so I leaned in and WHAM he swung—I never saw it coming. Lost 7 teeth and my sense of smell.”

Conversely an overconfident motorcyclist who’s in over their head can spear you from behind or lowside into you while they’re pulling a bone head pass. They can smear themselves down a guardrail OR kill a family in a minivan head on. There’s just way too much bad that can happen when you give someone the “put up or shut up” when it comes to bikes. If someone is spending all their time telling you how fast they are—stay away from them. Going for a ride with them only means you’re placing yourself in a situation where they can prove their incompetence and kill you at the same time.

Back where I come from we had a saying: “If someone spends all their time telling you how fast they are? They aren’t.” The trick is to let them be fast in the parking lot and stay away from them in the twisties. It’s just easier to let someone prattle on than it is to try and put the pieces back together once they’ve proved themselves stupid.

There is a flip side to this whole thing. Remember the “for every action, an equal and opposite reaction?” Yea, the guys who never talk about how fast they are? You know that guy—his bike was a little worn but mechanically sound? He wasn’t as fashionable as most? He never talked about makin’ that crazy ass pass on that SUV? Remember him?

Dude WAS fast wasn’t he? Smooth too. Don’t get suckered in, let the fast talkers talk—ignore them, let it go; anyone who has to spend their time convincing themselves of how good they is probably a danger to be running with. Look for that guy who just likes to talk bikes, he’s the guy who can probably teach us something.

Did I mention what a great writer I am? Yeah, they asked me to move to Idaho because Hemingway used to hang out here and they could use a little literary shot in the arm…Ever been to bullfight? Blah, blah, blah….

Be safe!

01-20-2009, 02:21 PM
Ha ha, great write man, we have several guys at my shop who routinely compete for supremacy. Funny when U secretly know more about the subject they're talking about than they think U do, it's easy to spot the BS. Motorcycles are about the top of the BS list, especially top speed stuff. 175 mph on your CBRF3 down a side street, eh? Wow man, that's flyin. ;D

01-21-2009, 10:26 AM
just let them talk the talk cause most can't walk the walk

01-21-2009, 11:11 AM
I want to make sure everyone knows... I did not write this... i give Capt Crash credit. He is from another board I frequent and his writing, such as this makes me crack up most of the time. He is a true biker and understands our culture.

Anyway, back on topic...

Most of the people that talk a lot, can't ride for chit. My buddy Serp, who's a paraplegic, can outride most people I know... on a 250... and that has been seen by me, chasing him on my 600 back in 2003-2006.

I let people talk... I know I'm slow... I ride at my pace. If you think it's fast, you can be just as fast, many are faster.

01-21-2009, 07:47 PM
Well I sure can't wait to get together with you guys and ride however we ride; fast, slow, or in between. We can keep it at a leisurely pace and smell the roses, or go blasting past em at warp speed and rip em from their roots. Either way I'll be there, grinnin from ear to ear, just enjoying the moment. For me at least on the streets, it's almost never been a question (or even a concern) of who's ultimately the best or fastest rider in a particular group. We just don't carry those burdensome egos. I often visit some good friends up in Alanson, which is south of Mackinaw and east of that tunnel of trees area I wrote about, and the roads are fantastic, hilly with big sweepers and wide open spaces to open em up. My buddies up there are great guys, and ride mostly cruisers. (though I've never seen em cruise) They're real decent riders; experienced, hardcore, and dedicated. Two in particular have an M109R and the other a built V-Rod, and they ride hard, at full tilt, almost all the time. God they pound on those bikes, and I'm usually laughin out loud as I follow em. Crazy bastards. I won't even lead; I don't know the area, and I don't want to be the first to discover a cherry pickin cop while I have some maniac cruiser guy stickin his Metzeler up my tailpipe. There's never any smack talking from anyone about who may be faster, because there's no real way of telling out there anyways. It goes without saying among us that the guy with the fastest bike certainly isn't automatically the fastest rider. Got a smack talker? I say put em on a track with identical bikes and settle it there. Have a "smack at the track" day. Trying to back up your mouth by pushing (or overpushing) your limits out on the street by riding at 100% is just too dangerous, and just not worth it to me. Over time you learn by watching just who the better riders are. They make wiser decisions consistently. As for me, I'm just happy to be in there somewhere. But I'll probably be right on your ass, pretty boy. ;D

01-22-2009, 10:25 AM
Pretty boy? ??? ahahahahahahaha

Dude, you are on a B-King, right?

That machine is actually a Beast King... those things got UMPH!!!

Those guys sound like my type of peeps... just ride and have fun. Street, i could not care less if you are faster than I. Monday morning there is work to do and that's what I think when riding on the street.

Track... it's on sucka!!!! haha... I will chase you as hard as I can... but again, if you are too fast for me to keep up, then good for you. I'll try to follow your line for as long as I can.

I am too old to get into racing, or make a living from it... so I just want to enjoy the ride.

01-22-2009, 11:14 AM
Ha ha, again, just because my bike or anyone elses may be a beast, it doesn't mean that we know how to unleash its full potential. When the going gets twisty, a good rider such as you on a decent bike such as yours will easily ride circles around a smack talkin amateur on a liter bike any day. I've seen it a hundred times on the street. 250 cc brain on a 1000cc bike equals 10,000 cc entertainment when they can't seem to shake you, and you're just toying with em. You obviously know that ya don't need the best bike available to have the best time out there. Riding for over 20 years now, I can certainly hold my own on the street, but the track is where you really learn the most, and I have little experience at that. I'll let ya take my bike for a spin, and see how big the smile is when you return. The damn thing is telepathic.

01-22-2009, 11:21 AM
Cool man... can't wait to get this group out when it gets warmer.

Sounds like we have a good group of people.

You wait until you experience supermoto... you will be sold on it.

I rode a busa once, (same engine as you, right?)... and that thing was nuts... power out the butt... holy crap. And it felt like it was an electric motor... smooth and quiet but with tons of force.

01-22-2009, 02:20 PM
Yea, it's the new generation busa motor, exactly the same except for a smaller airbox and more restrictive exhaust. I dunno if I'll even change anything, I'm so happy with the power curve. I'm having trouble with the rear tire losing it in the turns, but that's a topic I'll have to post on another time. Adding more power wouldn't help, ha ha. I knew it was perfect for me when I sat on one for the first time. It's so comfortable, and it fits my small 5'5" 150lb frame like a glove. The bars are completely vibe free at speed, but the windblast... it makes me feel like a kite. Not many prolonged 100+ mph freeway jaunts in my future unless I find a good flyscreen.

01-22-2009, 03:48 PM
Hey Berto.. I've ridden his Beast..........Even a fat old bastard like me couldn't stop smilin !!!!
The throttle keeps turnin itself. ;D

01-22-2009, 10:31 PM
I am sure that thing is fun...

It will be so awesome to ride in a group with a B-king, Goldwings, a supermoto, sportbikes... hahaha.

Basically what this site was put up for...

01-23-2009, 11:13 AM
Those are the best kinds of groups, when there is such a diversity of bikes like we seem to have. I used to belong to a V-max club, and then a ninja club, and it just never appealed to me to gather up with a bunch of guys who all had the same damn bike. Seemed kinda gay to me. And there were some huge egos amongst them too. We just don't seem to have that here, and it's great. I so look forward to this summer.