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snofrog
01-12-2009, 05:39 PM
HUSBAND & WIFE


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She
asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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* My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...


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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...


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---------


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home
and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough
for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social
Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...




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---------


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby
table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't
been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started...




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---------




I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order
first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---




A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.* She is not
happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look
old,
fat and ugly.* I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her
not
as much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started.....




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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy
crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his
car as
fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
at
the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is
out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...




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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I
haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in
bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

detdrbuzzard
01-12-2009, 10:18 PM
and you guys* wonder why i am single ;D

bettyboop1w
01-17-2009, 09:54 PM
you guys are so silly