View Full Version : oil change how to

03-06-2010, 09:46 AM
Since its that time of the year i thought i would post some simple oil change instructions that everyone should need to know...

Oil Change instructions for women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to service station to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

03-06-2010, 09:54 AM
You been in my garage?

Gas Man
03-06-2010, 01:56 PM
You guys need to lay off the drugs. You must have skipped at least a dozen steps that included hookers!

03-06-2010, 04:41 PM
LoL Nice thing about having a truck...no jack, jackstands, or ramp. Takes me all of about 5 minutes to change mine...and usually well under $20 too. ;-)

03-06-2010, 10:31 PM
Impound fee's a little light, don't you think lol

03-06-2010, 11:50 PM
that is awesome.. too funny..

i put 0w20 in my expedition and change it every 25,000 miles.. amsoil ftw..

03-10-2010, 07:17 PM
Crap... you have been in my place watching me I see... hmmmm....

Awesome post

03-10-2010, 10:26 PM
I live in an old house (built in 1923) so I can relate. No joke.....

-Option #1-
Call Roto-Rooter to snake the sewer drain = $125.00

-Option #2-
Rent snake from Home Depot = $75.00
Drop snake on wifes hand dragging out of the truck: 2 doctor's visits, $250.00 co-pay
3 hours snaking the drain = $25/hr.? $75
Replacing the side window in an '07 Explorer when the snake falls over at the turnaround (Michigan left) on M-59 = $250.00
Total = $650?
Chris = Serving as an example for the rest of us

03-11-2010, 12:38 AM
knowing when to let someone else do it = priceless

03-11-2010, 12:00 PM
You guys need to lay off the drugs. You must have skipped at least a dozen steps that included hookers!

Hookers don't mind used motor oil (if you let it cool down -to room temp - first). They always say, 'Can't have too much lube.'

03-11-2010, 12:15 PM

03-11-2010, 01:06 PM
I live in an old house (built in 1923) so I can relate. No joke.....

Old? That's not old. Mine was 50 years old when yours was built. Try fitting new standardized kitchen cabinets in a room built in 1873. I had to custom build the entrire kitchen.